Thirty-two years ago, my senior year in high school, I met the girl of my dreams.
Nothing happened.
I have taken responsibility for all of the screw-ups I'm aware of. In retrospect, I see that she made some mistakes, too, but I attribute that to 15 year-old naiveté.
At any rate, I have wanted to apologize to her for 25 years, now, but I've never had the chance. The only time I actually saw her, I was visiting someone else. The reaction when we saw each other is one I won't discuss, but there was no contact otherwise that was just between us. I'll only say there were no words exchanged.
I wrote out an apology I was never able to give to her. I've rewritten it several times based on what had changed. But based on news I discovered within the last month (an accidental find while researching a short story), I fear that day may never come.
I therefore put the letter here, in the hope that she sees it.
Addendum: It turns out I uploaded the wrong version of a previous blog. I had a version that edited out her name, but I uploaded the wrong one. It's long archived, so there's no point in hiding it. Maybe it's better this way; there's no hiding certain things in the letter, and far fewer may wonder if she's who it's about.
Sonya,
I've had to make assumptions about how the way I behaved all those years ago made you feel. I can now apologize because I understand all too well. I had a similar issue before I met you, on a greater scale, and I should have considered how you would take my actions. It didn't help that one side of my family encouraged it, either, [addendum in the next blog] and I should have spoken up to them. I didn't.
I also never clarified why I was there. I never had any ill intent. When I learned you had left your house, I became concerned because of what I'd been told about kids who don't live at home. Most was exaggerated, or untrue. But as for me, I don't want to overstep, but I would dare say how I felt was protective. A huge part of me just wanted to make sure you were ok and step in if needed. When I came back looking for you, that was my biggest concern. I apologize for never making that clear, and I acknowledge that your reaction may have been very negative.
I also have to add that I also needed to know how you saw me and where I stood with you. And, yes, if that had gone well, I would have seen about possibly seeing where it may have led. You see, I wasn't after anything that anyone might label as an ulterior motive. I was certain we could have an actual relationship, one where neither side is dominating. Just to be able to enjoy time with you. Anything else could have waited. And no, that part of me never left, but there's no telling how we've changed in all this time. Right now, I don't like the person I am because of how many things I've tried to do in the last twenty years have been questioned, challenged, interfered with, or co-opted.
[Here, three paragraphs are private and omitted. They were the reason for the last rewrite, two weeks ago.]
Frankly, I'll understand if you don't trust me. I hope you do. I have many questions of my own, but I know I may never get the answers. I won't make that call for you; I've never tried to. So, in closing, I'll just say that I hope life has treated you kindly and that everything I wanted to do wasn't necessary.
William
P.S. I know it's possible that things have completely fallen apart for you, and you have nowhere to turn. Don't be afraid to act with me the way I acted with you. I'll understand a lot better than you could have.
