|
July 27, 2020 Listen! Again! July 20, 2020 Love and Forgiveness 7/16/20 Random Points 7/12/20 Money Issues 7/7/20 The Political Spectrum 7/2/20 The Pruning Effect 6/30/20 Heh, heh, heh . . . 6/25/20 Bad Dad, Explained 6/21/20 More to last blog |
 |
SITE UNDER RECONSTRUCTION July 17, 2020 Book links fixed 7/8/20 Hit counter added 6/26/20 Navigation menu revised 6/30/20 Author page renamed 7/1/20 Background color changed |
|||
    |
|||||
    |
|||||
July 27, 2020
|
Back in 2009, I posted the first in what was supposed to be a series of blogs dealing with listening. It was over three and a half years before I blogged again. (And look at this. After several weeks of multiple blogs, it took me a whole week to get this one up.) I don't want to do another series, like I did with my Accuracy series and explaining my 100 Random Things. Not so much as that I don't want to draw out a single subject (I would if I thought it would take a while), but because of how many subjects I could talk about right now. The subject of listening has been coming up a lot in my blogs, lately. That's why I've decided to write this blog. The Steps to Listening I always put the first two together: 1. Shut the hell up It's critical not to interject your own ideas into what someone else is saying. This can result in a number of issues. The two most common are 1) not hearing what the other person is saying and 2) confusing what you and the other person are saying. For example: They say, "How can you be sure? As an expert on the subject, I don't think that it's possible for that to happen." You say, "I'm sure because I've been there." The problem is that you say it while they say, "As an expert on the subject." Instead of realizing this person has more experience and knowledge of whatever subject you're talking about, you hear an expression that they're voicing a personal opinion. Worse, some people will combine the two statements since they were spoken simultaneously and think he acknowledged you've been there and that he thought is is possible. Naturally, this gets in the way of whatever you're being told. Why? Because by talking over them, you're not listening. Further, in the example above, you are going by the limited amount of information you received. Of course, there could be a first-hand incident that counters something they said. This can cause complications I won't go into. 3. Take yourself out of the picture This has two meanings. First, don't consider your own place in the subject of the discusson when you're thinking about what you're being told. People tend to look at their own opinions and ideals, incorporating them into what they're told. This is bad because, again, it confuses what's being said with what the listener is already thinking. If those two factors are different, the message is already lost. Person #1 says: "Everyone needs to stay here for now." Person #2 says: "I said I'm going home!" How serious this is depends on who Person #1 is. If it's friends or family, there should be nothing more than arguments. If it's a policeman, there's a definite reason why they can't leave. But Person #2 is determined to go with their own decision, causing problems either way. 4. Understand the meaning behind the words Many words have more than one meaning. For example, if you use the word "terminal", it may be taken differently by different people. A doctor would think about the end of life, a computer programmer would assume it's a monitor and keyboard, a pilot starts and ends a flight at a terminal, and a mathematician's thoughts would turn to one side an angle. All of these are different meanings to each type of person. So, if a pilot is talking to a computer programmer, things can get confused just by using the word "terminal". But if the listener understands the meaning that the speaker uses instead of their own, this problem can be avoided. 5. Don't go by first impressions There is a simple reason for this: First impressions are usually out of context. Yet, people still tend to go by first impressions, and people consider them critical. The truth is, first impressions are usually meaningless. They are often a very limited amount of information about the person or the subject. This is what takes it out of context, leading to one drawing the wrong conclusion. Regardless of what the first impression is, going by it is usually bad. 6. Know what's not being said There's not always time to say everything, and the speaker may not know something that affects what they say. If you realize something that's not said, it will affect your perception of how the speaker is treating the subject. Are they lying? Do they know what they're talking about? If they know what they're talking about, why don't they know this? There are only two ways to handle this. Most common is to ignore it. Most common are that the speaker is so used to it they don't think anything of it, or they just don't want to spend the time. If something seems to be wrong, or you're not sure if it's important, the other option is to ask about it. But some caution should be used at this point, as depending on how you approach it, it may come across as accusatory. In fact, it may be better to say nothing and let what else they say answer the pending question. (Of course, this may not work if you don't know the subject that well.) This is the way to beat what some consider a rule of thumb: "Make people think you know more than you really do." 7. Combine everything into the picture being painted By far, the worst problem I see people do when they analyze . . . well, almost anything . . . is that they spend all the time looking at the individual pieces of the problem and never put them together. The result is that if the one part of the problem is fixed, other parts may not be. When someone is speaking, it's not truly a monotopic dialogue. In order to produce understanding, the subtopic--what is being spoken about at the moment--changes frequently. These are all related to the main topic, and define it. But more importantly, two different subtopics may affect each other. When they do, looking at only one may not reveal the entire problem. For example, my dad and I were once looking at the toilet to find out why the tank was draining. He was looking at the flapper, the fill valve, and the running water separately. I was looking at the entire system--all three parts as a unit--and I realized that the angle of the fill valve caused the water to curl around and hit the flapper at an angle that pushed it sideways so it didn't cover the drain. Easy fix. 8. Use feedback to make sure you understand The most critical part of listening is to make sure you have the right message. There are two right ways to do this, and there's one way that's really wrong. The first way (that's right) is to ask a question to clarify any issues with what they said. This is easy to understand, as we all do it all the time. The other is to repeat what was said, but paraphrase. Both of these add context that ensure the meaning of what was said is understood. Conversely, the wrong way is to repeat the words spoken to you. This only confirms that you heard those words--that those sounds entered your ears. It says nothing about the way you took them. By paraphrasing, we add meaning that compares with the meaning of what you were told. If the two meanings don't agree, the person you're speaking with can add to what they say to clarify what they mean. Note that when someone says, "I heard every word you said", it doesn't necessarily mean they were actually listening. 9. At this point, you can take over the conversation But remember that the other person also has to be listening--and that means they have to take the same steps. And there you have it. All the parts of my Listen! series, summarized in a single blog. Each of the first eight parts would have been its own part. Aren't you glad you don't have to do that much reading? And I mentioned feedback. Feel free to email me about any of the blogs I've ever written. But be sure to read the rules! That's why the only email link is at the bottom of my calendar. There are lots of things I could write about in my next blog. Until next time . . . |
You are visitor number
since July 8, 2020